The Official AF Joke Thread

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Re: The Official AF Joke Thread

Post by 5829 » Fri Oct 25, 2019 10:19 pm

Some holiday stuff

Halloween

Image


Christmas

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
‘In honour of this holy season’ Saint Peter said, ‘You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into Heaven.’
The man from England fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It represents a candle’, he said.
‘You may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said.
The man from New Zealand reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He jingled them and said, ‘They’re bells.’
Saint Peter said ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’.
The Australian started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘And just what do those symbolise?’
The Aussie replied, ‘These are Carols.’
And So The Christmas Season Begins…


Valentine's Day (or maybe everyday)

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Free Rice - feed the world - play for free
National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1-800-799-7233
National Rape, Sexual Assault Hotline - 1-800-656-4673
loveisrespect.org --- Love Is Respect - 1-1-866-331-9474

~~~ accept everything - Believe Whatever - TRUST NOTHING ~~~~
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
Never tell all you know...
Disclaimer: The opinions are my own. Nobody else wants them.

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Re: The Official AF Joke Thread

Post by 5829 » Mon Nov 04, 2019 12:29 am

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
Free Rice - feed the world - play for free
National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1-800-799-7233
National Rape, Sexual Assault Hotline - 1-800-656-4673
loveisrespect.org --- Love Is Respect - 1-1-866-331-9474

~~~ accept everything - Believe Whatever - TRUST NOTHING ~~~~
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
Never tell all you know...
Disclaimer: The opinions are my own. Nobody else wants them.

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Posts: 1586
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Re: The Official AF Joke Thread

Post by 5829 » Mon Nov 04, 2019 12:30 am

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world"
the woman says, "I'll miss you."
_______________________
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out
of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if
I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
_______________________
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to
you really badly.
She said - Well, you succeeded.
_______________________
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I
sit on the sofa and fart.
_______________________
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror
_______________________
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
_______________________
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What
setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb....
Free Rice - feed the world - play for free
National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1-800-799-7233
National Rape, Sexual Assault Hotline - 1-800-656-4673
loveisrespect.org --- Love Is Respect - 1-1-866-331-9474

~~~ accept everything - Believe Whatever - TRUST NOTHING ~~~~
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
Never tell all you know...
Disclaimer: The opinions are my own. Nobody else wants them.

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