The Official AF Joke Thread

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hotheat
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Re: The Official AF Joke Thread

#611

Post by hotheat »

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when 2 black and 2 Mexican guys arrive.

St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said "Wait here. I will be right back."

St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.

God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh.

He returns to God's chambers and says "Well, they're gone."

"Who, the black and Mexican guys?" asked God.

"No. The Pearly Gates."

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hotheat
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Re: The Official AF Joke Thread

#612

Post by hotheat »

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG !
He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he
thinks. Then he hears the
voice again: I SAID, DIG !
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some
inches, he finds a small
chest with a rusty lock.
The deep voice says: OPEN !
Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which
to destroy the lock,
and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.
The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO !
Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest
and walks to the
casino.
The deep voice says: ROULETTE !
So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and
goes to one of the tables,
where the players gaze at him with disbelief.
The deep voice says: 27 !
He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly
bursts. Everybody is quiet
when the croupier throws the ball.
The ball stops at the 26.
The deep voice says: SHIT !

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5829
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Re: The Official AF Joke Thread

#613

Post by 5829 »

I saw a gorgeous blonde girl eating a banana today.
I looked her in the eyes and said, "I want you to do that to me"
She giggled and got on her knees.
Everything was going great until she cut my foreskin, pulled it back and bit the head of my cock.


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Free Rice - feed the world - play for free
National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1-800-799-7233
National Rape, Sexual Assault Hotline - 1-800-656-4673
Love Is Respect - 1-866-331-9474

~~~ accept everything - Believe Whatever - TRUST NOTHING ~~~~
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
Never tell all you know...
Disclaimer: The opinions are my own. Nobody else wants them.

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hotheat
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Re: The Official AF Joke Thread

#614

Post by hotheat »

A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name." Fred" he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

The officer let him go without even a warning.

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Re: The Official AF Joke Thread

#615

Post by 5829 »

Image
Free Rice - feed the world - play for free
National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1-800-799-7233
National Rape, Sexual Assault Hotline - 1-800-656-4673
Love Is Respect - 1-866-331-9474

~~~ accept everything - Believe Whatever - TRUST NOTHING ~~~~
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
Never tell all you know...
Disclaimer: The opinions are my own. Nobody else wants them.

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Re: The Official AF Joke Thread

#616

Post by 5829 »

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life.

A huge heart.... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist!'

The priest fainted!
Free Rice - feed the world - play for free
National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1-800-799-7233
National Rape, Sexual Assault Hotline - 1-800-656-4673
Love Is Respect - 1-866-331-9474

~~~ accept everything - Believe Whatever - TRUST NOTHING ~~~~
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
Never tell all you know...
Disclaimer: The opinions are my own. Nobody else wants them.

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hotheat
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Re: The Official AF Joke Thread

#617

Post by hotheat »

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells out, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then replies, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

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hotheat
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Re: The Official AF Joke Thread

#618

Post by hotheat »

God vs scientist

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him,
"Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally
figured out a way to create life out of nothing.
In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'."

"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.

"Well", says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the
likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's interesting. Show Me. "

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

"Oh no, no, no...." interrupts God,

(I love this)


"Get your own dirt......."

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Sir Jig-A-Lot
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Re: The Official AF Joke Thread

#619

Post by Sir Jig-A-Lot »

"During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners to fifth graders asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Fergus, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

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hotheat
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Re: The Official AF Joke Thread

#620

Post by hotheat »

I was really peeved when I lost out on winning the pub quiz, by only a single answer.
The crucial question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"
Apparently, the correct answer is "Africa".

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